All's Normal On the Enterprise
by Sukuru
Summary: (Updated) There're going to be two short chapters uploaded today. Just bear with me a sec. Anyhoo. In the second part we meet a chameleon named Bob and find out that Mirror-Kahn aint that useless. Maybe.
1. PDAs and other things

PDAs. The next frontier. Or whatever  
  
~~  
  
Sorry guys! I was banned from ff.net for six days when I accidentally listed this as G and not PG! (Smacks head) duh! Anyway! I'll upload more Emailing Series soon! But here's a lil' something I wrote on my PDA. Which is a pocket computer. A hand-held. Whatever.  
  
~~  
  
Disclaimer: Neither I or my PDA-to-be owns Star Trek. It's just one of those things.  
  
~~  
  
[The screen is black. Then it's not so black. Then it's definatly a shade of grey. Very dark grey. Then the viewer realises she has not yet turned on the TV. She does so. The screen is black. Then grey. It then comes up with a picture.]  
  
[The picture is: Kirk sitting in his chair, Uhura lounging on her chair, Sulu sharpening a fencing foil (and not even I, the Author, know if that's possible). Chekov is not there. And neither is McCoy. The viewer decides she has tuned into the Twilight Zone. She is very upset. She bangs the controller against her head in an effort to calm herself. She breaks the controller and is even MORE upset. She cannot now change the channel. Anyway. Back to the Enterprise.]  
  
Kirk: Damn it! Where is he?  
  
[Just knowing Kirk would need some assistance in developing the plot, McCoy enters. The viewer decides she might just be not watching the Twilight Zone, and stops hitting herself.]  
  
McCoy: Where is who, Jim?  
  
Kirk: Chekov, dammit! I asked him to get my PDA, and he's been gone for. . .ages. I was about to send a. . .search party out to look for him. But we need this months supply of Red Shirts. . .So I can't.  
  
McCoy: Your PDA?  
  
Kirk: Yes. Damn him.  
  
[Suddenly the Turbo Lift doors open. Chekov is standing there, red faced, with a trolley of wires behind him. For some reason, Scotty is suddenly on the Bridge.]  
  
Scotty: He just cannae do it, Cap'in! He doesn't have the power!  
  
Kirk: Then, dammit, help him!  
  
Scotty(pouts): You do it.  
  
Spock: It seems illogical to summon a computer that's -  
  
Kirk: It's the latest model.  
  
[Chekov pulls the trolley up beside Kirk and goes to sit back at his station. Kirk stares blankly.]  
  
Kirk: Er, Mr. Chekov. . .?  
  
Chekov: Yes Keptin?  
  
Kirk: Where's the rest of it?  
  
[Chekov pales.]  
  
Chekov: The. . .the. . .the rest of it, sair?  
  
Kirk: Yes! This is just the first battery! It needs six batteries, a take in valve, a push out valve, two trolleys of technobabble, six trolleys of wires, and ten trolleys of bulbs and the casing.  
  
McCoy: How big is the screen?  
  
Kirk: It doesn't HAVE a screen.  
  
[Chekov is now sobbing]  
  
Chekov: Please, sair! Don't be so cruel! It's unfair! Vhat did I ewer do to you?  
  
Kirk: Nothing. Lemmie tell you a little story. Once, I was in this bar, and I met this guy. His name was Sod. He invented a thing called Sod's Law. Y'see -  
  
Sulu: We get the picture.  
  
[Meanwhile Chekov is STILL sobbing.]  
  
Kirk: Shut up. And get the rest of my PDA. You have six minutes. [Wags finger] I'm timing you. . .  
  
[Chekov doesn't budge.]  
  
Uhura: Captain, may I suggest -  
  
Kirk: Dammit, woman! I don't need you hovering over me constantly!  
  
McCoy: JIM! That line is reserved for Yeoman Rand ONLY. Starfleet regulation #233!  
  
Kirk: And since when have YOU memorised the Starfleet Regulations?  
  
McCoy(flustered): Er. . .well, I got bored, and -  
  
Uhura: Like I was saying. May I suggest we give Ensign Chekov a few suckers. . .er, I mean, a few Red Shirts to help him?  
  
[Suddenly, all the Red Shirts on the bridge pale. This is not good. The viewer is now glued to the screen. She had never been that good with super glue. She found it just got everywhere. And she shouldn't have been sitting that close to the telly anyway. Let us hope she has learnt from this mistake.]  
  
Kirk: Hmm. . .  
  
[Chekov pauses in his sobbing, perfectly ready to start again if Kirk says no.]  
  
Kirk: . . .  
  
Spock: Er. . .Captain?  
  
Kirk: Hmm? Wha? Oh. Um. [He has not been paying attention] Yes, Lt. Uhura. Let's do that.  
  
[A Red Shirt immediately gags and falls over. And dies, as is common with all Red Shirts.]  
  
Red Shirt #900: Er. . .Sir? Why can't you just upgrade to a Hand Held PDA? I hear Windows XP got a good write up.  
  
[His nose immediately grows WAAAAY out of proportion and he falls into the Engines. However unlikely and impossible that is.]  
  
Kirk: Because this is a sixties show! This is a show where the more winky lights a computer has, the more intelligent it is!  
  
Spock: Captain, by my calculation, your PDA is cannot fit on the Bridge, so -  
  
Kirk: I DON'T CARE! IT'S MY PDA AND I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!  
  
Scotty: Well then, what're you waiting for Mister Chekov? Get the friggin' computer already.  
  
Chekov: But, but, but. . .  
  
Kirk: BUT NOTHING! I WANT IT I WANT IT I WANT IT!  
  
McCoy: When he wants, he gets.  
  
[Everyone stares at him]  
  
McCoy: I've been working on more famous lines. I believe that one worked?  
  
Sulu: Yes. [Shoves Chekov out of his seat].  
  
[Chekov leaves with a placement of 300 Red Shirts. Three die en route to the Turbo Lift.]  
  
~~  
  
[Six Hours later. The bridge now has ten trolleys on it. That's the bulbs. One hundred and fifty Red Shirts are DEAD. The viewer is still glued to the telly.]  
  
[The lift doors open. Chekov, who is now probably dying or something, comes out with yet another trolley. It is filled with wires.]  
  
Chekov: Ve lost a trolley. Y'see, zis Red Shirt vas carrying it past ze Warp Core and. . .  
  
Scotty(over the comm: he went back to Engineering due to plot complications we shall not speak of): Cap'in! That lousy Red Shirt has destroyed me poor wee bairns!  
  
Kirk: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Terrific. NOW GET ME THE REST OF THE PDA!  
  
[Chekov lugs the trolley over to Kirk, stops it infront of him and goes back up to the Turbo Lift, muttering darkly in Russian.]  
  
[He returns later with the rest of the trolleys (including the one that was 'destroyed'), and sit at his station, exhausted.]  
  
McCoy: Hmm. Mr. Chekov, I think you're out of shape. You need a physical.  
  
[Chekov starts howling]  
  
Kirk: Alrighty then. Now. Where is the instruction manual?  
  
Uhura: You mean, you don't know how to assemble your own PDA?  
  
McCoy: Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not a PDA assembler!  
  
Sulu(retrieving a piece of paper from the floor): Here they are.  
  
[No one notices the lettering on the side of one of the casing shells. It reads: MADE IN TAIWAN. Naturally, this means, it being the sixties and all, that the instructions have been poorly translated by some woman named Hoshi Sato. No one cares.]  
  
Uhura(Reading from sheet of paper Sulu just found): Assembling in the casing you are, need screws and bolts lots. Um, are you SURE these are the instructions?  
  
Sulu: Yes. Are you picking on me?  
  
Uhura: No.  
  
Sulu: Oh. [Looks vaguely upset about not having an excuse for using his foil. On a human being, that is.]  
  
[Kirk snatches piece of paper from Uhura.]  
  
Kirk(Reading from 'Instructions from Hell'): Step the next you am counter clockwise turning the bolts port A the into. WHAT?  
  
Rand: Maybe you can download the REAL instructions from the Internet.  
  
Sulu: The what now?  
  
Kirk: Then you are casing placing panel A on top off B the panel. HELP!  
  
[Insert dramatic breakdown]  
  
[Insert Rand slapping him]  
  
[Insert Kirk yelling]  
  
[Insert Rand leaving the Bridge]  
  
Kirk: Okay, okay. Calm down.  
  
Sulu: We weren't the ones sobbing and calling for our mummies (looks smug).  
  
Chekov(looking up): I vas.  
  
Kirk(reading again): Wires the yellow have crossed with wires red the needs to have screwdriver. What's a screw driver?  
  
Scotty: Some tool.  
  
Sulu: Why're YOU up here?  
  
Scotty: Plot purposes.  
  
Kirk: We can do this. We can do this.  
  
McCoy: Sure we can.  
  
Spock: It seems illogical to -  
  
Golem: Yesss. You can do thissss. Itssss for my preciousssss!  
  
[Insert Uhura kicking Golem off Bridge and into the Engines. This upsets the Viewer and she rips her head away from the telly with disastrous results.]  
  
Kirk: Did you hear a scream?  
  
Sulu: No.  
  
Kirk: Oh. [Reading again]: After two the stage can you screw bolts into outer shell. Replace outer shell inner shell with. Eh?  
  
Author(appearing on Bridge): That's it! This Fan Fiction has gone far enough!  
  
[She is holding her PDA. It is no bigger then Kirk's brain, but doubly as useful.]  
  
Sulu: What's that? [Points]  
  
Author: This is my PDA. Made in Japan. Easier instructions.  
  
Kirk(Laughs): And what can you do with that lil' thing that has no winky lights?  
  
Author: I am writing this Fan Fiction on it.  
  
[She looks back down and types something in. A Tribble appears on Kirk's lap. He screams. The Author writes some more. More Tribbles appear.]  
  
Kirk: Stop! Stop!  
  
[The Tribbles vanish. Chekov suddenly finds a case under his Work Station. In it is $300,000 and a note saying: Sorry for the exercise. Signed, Author. He grins manically and runs off the Bridge with the case. No one cares. ]  
  
Author: Why did you want your PDA anyway?  
  
Kirk(pouting): I wanted to know what two plus two was, and no one would tell me.  
  
Spock: I tried -  
  
McCoy: Better go see Chekov about his Physical.  
  
[Exit]  
  
Spock: - but I kept getting cut off.  
  
Kirk(suddenly looking serious 'n' stuff): So. Mr. Spock. What is the answer?  
  
[The viewer is now watching from a Hospital Bed. She has her eyes glued to the screen. This episode has taught her nothing.]  
  
Spock: It is -  
  
[Suddenly there is a power outage. We shall never know the answer. Ever. The viewer is forced to tear her eyes away from the Telly. A passing Nurse faints. And dies because she is wearing a Red Shirt. No one cares.]  
  
[A/N] Hope you liked! 


	2. The Script

All's Normal On the Enterprise Part Two  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Replies:  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: I have kept going. Keep going yourself with 'which is which'!  
  
~~  
  
[Bridge: Enterprise. Everyone's got their scripts on the desk but aren't reading them as per tradition. Kirk is looking vaguely bored. Spock is looking Spock-ish. McCoy is contemplating giving himself a hypo-spray of that stuff they handed out in Wolf In the Fold. Chekov is reading a book, Russian Inventions and Who Invented Them, under his station. Sulu is polishing his Fencing Foil, holding it so that Kirk won't see. Uhura is applying yet more fake nails. Rand is practicing how to spill coffee deliberately on Kirk's lap and make it look like an accident. Scotty is talking about Engineering things to the computer. The computer is bored with him.]  
  
Kirk: Humph.  
  
Uhura: Really?  
  
Kirk: Yes.  
  
[Silence resumes.]  
  
Spock: I have an idea.  
  
McCoy(sarcastically): Oh, really? It's not like you to have an idea.  
  
Spock: Well, I have one all the same.  
  
McCoy: Oh. What is it?  
  
Spock: I was talking to the Captain.  
  
McCoy: He's not listening.  
  
Spock: Oh. Well then I will suggest it to you instead.  
  
[Pause]  
  
McCoy: Well?  
  
Spock: Well what?  
  
McCoy: What's the idea?  
  
Spock: What idea?  
  
McCoy: The idea you were just talking about.  
  
Spock: I have no idea of what you are referring to, Doctor.  
  
Sulu: Spock, are you actually trying to annoy Doctor McCoy?  
  
Spock: Annoyance is an emotional reaction to an annoying comment. Since I have no emotions, I have no motivation to annoy the Doctor.  
  
Rand: But, he annoys you all the time. Why not get a little pay back?  
  
Spock: "Pay Back" is inspired by an emotional outburst. . .  
  
Chekov: Here ve go.  
  
Spock: . . .and I have no emotions to have an outburst with. Oh, and my idea was to read the script.  
  
Sulu: What, and break with tradition? WHY?  
  
Spock: You are all bored. The only way to relieve this state of mind is to read a script.  
  
Uhura: That's a lie and you know it.  
  
Spock: I am incapable of lying.  
  
Uhura: As if.  
  
[Pause]  
  
Chekov: I guess ve could try it. . .and if ve don't like it, ve could alvays just stop.  
  
Sulu: Um. . .yeah. . .there's no harm in trying, is there?  
  
Kirk: Hnuh? Go away, mum.  
  
Uhura: The Captain's asleep. He'd never know any different.  
  
McCoy: Who'll play the Captain though?  
  
[Pause]  
  
Chekov: Howabout that guy ve don't like?  
  
Sulu: Which one?  
  
Chekov: The vun who blew up his ship to safe us and it didn't help at all.  
  
Sulu: Decker? He's dead.  
  
Gene(from Backstage): Not anymore.  
  
Decker: Hi everybody!  
  
Everybody: Go away Mr. Decker!  
  
Decker: I can't take a hint.  
  
[Decker rolls Kirk off his chair and sits down. The crew groan, then pick up their scripts.]  
  
Decker: Okay. Let's start this game!  
  
Sulu: It's not a game.  
  
Decker: it is now.  
  
~~  
  
Decker: Sub paragraph one, heading A, open bracket. Kirk is sitting in his command chair -  
  
Uhura: Sir, that's the stage directions. You're dialogue is underneath.  
  
Decker: Gotcha. Ehem. Kirk colon Mister full-stop Spock coma -  
  
Chekov: You're not supposed to read the punctuation as punctuation.  
  
Decker: I don't get this.  
  
Scotty: How'd you learn yer lines in Doomsday Machine?  
  
Decker: My sectary read them to me.  
  
Scotty: Oh. Well, you're gonna hafta learn 'em now.  
  
Decker: Alright. Ehem. Kirk:MrSpockhaveyoupickedupanyreadingsfromthe-  
  
Uhura: You can read spaces.  
  
Decker: Okay. . Kirk:spaceMrspcaeSpockspacehavespaceyouspacepickedspaceupspcae-  
  
Uhura: NO! YOU JUST READ IT AS MR. SPOCK, HAVE YOU PICKED UP ANY READINGS FROM THE SHIP WE ARE PURSUING!!!  
  
Decker: Do I have to yell like that?  
  
Chekov: You're fired.  
  
Decker: You can't fire me!  
  
Chekov: I have a first name and a middle name and a last name and a history and a few friends. I can do what I like.  
  
Decker: Dammit!  
  
[Decker storms off.]  
  
Uhura: Hey!  
  
Sulu: What?  
  
Uhura: We relieved our boredom.  
  
Kirk: Hnuh? Was I asleep? Why am I on the floor? Why're you reading your scripts? Why am I asking questions? Why-  
  
Spock: Seems like everything is back to normal. . .  
  
Decker(from Backstage): I don't care! I want a pay check!  
  
Spock: . . . ish. 


	3. Ears And Complications

All's Normal on the Enterprise - Chapter Three - Latex shortage  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
Bug: - Gollum is more than likely my split personality. . .maybe.  
  
Kaz: - I'm so glad my story made an impression on you and your husband. . .yes, the script idea. I guess someone had to screw up sooner or later. . .thank you very much!  
  
~~  
  
All's Normal, Part Three: - Latex shortage. . .leads to problems.  
  
~~  
  
[Bridge: Enterprise. Kirk has just been handed a hand-held with an Email displayed on it.]  
  
Kirk(murmuring as he reads): Oh dear. . .oh no. . .he's not going to like that. . .THAT won't do. . .oh, please no. . .not MORE lines? Oh God. . .life won't be worth living. . .  
  
Spock: Is something the matter, Captain?  
  
Kirk: Well, yes indeed, Mr. Spock. Something that's going to affect us extremely badly. . .you especially. . .I'm so sorry. . .  
  
[Kirk hangs his head in mourning. Then he looks at Chekov and it appears as though he's going to cry.]  
  
Chekov: Vhat's the matter, Keptin?  
  
Kirk(whispering): MORE lines?  
  
[The brave, noble, dignified Captain gets to his feet in a very brave, noble, dignified way, then bursts into tears and runs to his room, screaming like a little girl.]  
  
~~  
  
[Kirk's Room: Door. Spock is standing outside the door, listening to the saddened Captain within.]  
  
Spock: Is everything alright, Captain?  
  
Kirk(through door): Does it SOUND alright?  
  
Spock: I have told you before, Captain. Vulcan ears do not affect our listening capabilities.  
  
Kirk(muttering something obscene before carrying on): It's actually about your ears, Spock.  
  
Spock: I thought I have told you before that I will not tolerate taunts about my physical nature Captain-  
  
Kirk(through door, still): I am not going to taunt you Spock. Y'see, there's been a strike at the American Latex corporation, which means they won't be supplying people with Latex anymore. . .and. . .eh. . .that means you don't get your ears. . .  
  
Spock(turning a heavier tint of green): Captain! Who told you-  
  
Kirk: Aww, c'mon, Spock! Everyone knows those things aren't real.  
  
Spock: Point taken. What is Mr. Rodenbury going to do?  
  
Kirk(cluelessly): Who?  
  
Spock: Er. . .I meant, "what are WE going to do, Captain?"  
  
Kirk: WE are going to find you a substitute. . .perhaps, wood?  
  
Spock(disdainfully): Wood, Captain?  
  
Kirk: Pine maybe?  
  
Spock: Pine would snap, Captain.  
  
Kirk: Oh.  
  
Spock: What was your other major concern, regarding Ensign Chekov, if I may ask?  
  
Kirk: You may, but I shall start crying again [Unseen to Spock, he wags his finger at the door) and you don't want that to happen, do you?  
  
Spock: No.  
  
Kirk: I'll tell you then. Star Fleet Command are demanding that we. . .oh, lord!  
  
Spock: I fail to see what the Christian Deity has to do with our present situation, Captain.  
  
Kirk: No, no, Spock, "oh lord" is a phrase. Never mind. (Trying to be brave) Anyway, concerning Chekov, we have to give him more lines.  
  
Spock: MORE lines, Captain?  
  
Kirk: Yes. More. Lines. Oh. God. *Cries*  
  
~~  
  
[Sick Bay: Doctor McCoy is examining a Red Shirt who has been chewing a piece of mint gum. The gum was just TOO strong, and has burned a hole through his tongue.]  
  
McCoy: Hmm. . .  
  
Red Shirt #567: Is it serious?  
  
McCoy: Hmm. . .  
  
Red Shirt(slightly panicky): Well, is it?  
  
McCoy: Hmm. . .  
  
Red Shirt(getting annoyed and grabbing McCoy by the collar): IS IT? ISITISITISITISITISI?????????????  
  
McCoy: Hmm. . .there appears to be a hole in your tongue.  
  
Red Shirt: A little bit slow today, aren't we?  
  
McCoy: You're relieved. And you'll need a physical next Tuesday.  
  
Red Shirt(in terror): NO!!!!!  
  
[McCoy pushes the Red Shirt out of Sick Bay just as Kirk and Spock walk in. McCoy gasps. Spock has human ears.]  
  
Spock: State even one comment, my dear Doctor, and I will be forced to splice you.  
  
McCoy: Look! He's even sounding human! (Backing away as Spock takes a threatening step forwards) Okay, okay, I was joking. How can I help?  
  
Kirk: There's an American Latex shortage. We need something to substitute for his ears.  
  
McCoy: There's a Latex factory in Moscow. Just order some from there.  
  
Kirk: What, and have Chekov following Spock around telling him how great everything to do with Russia is and . . . *cries*  
  
McCoy: What's up with him?  
  
Spock: Star Fleet has ordered that Ensign Chekov be given more lines in the course of an Episode.  
  
McCoy: Oh dear. Well, let's sort that out later. Okay. Substitute for ears. Hmm. . .wood?  
  
Spock: The best we could come up with is pine.  
  
McCoy: Oh. Snap factor.  
  
Kirk(between sobs): Howabout plastic?  
  
McCoy: Too mass-produced.  
  
Kirk: Oh. Um. . .paper?  
  
McCoy: Too stupid.  
  
Kirk: Well, excuse me for having an idea for once.  
  
McCoy: That's it!  
  
Kirk: What?  
  
McCoy: An idea, idiot. Let's have a staff meeting. . .just like we always do when there's something wrong.  
  
Kirk: Excellent! Boy, am I clever or what?  
  
McCoy: *Sigh*  
  
~~  
  
[Staff-Meeting-Room-Room-That-Is-Sometimes-Used-As-A-Tribunal-Room: Everyone important (IE. Still alive) is there, goggling at Spock's Not-So- Spock ears.]  
  
Uhura: Why-  
  
Spock: Please reframe from asking unimportant questions. All will be revealed shortly.  
  
Chekov: But-  
  
Spock: Please reframe from asking unimportant questions. All will be revealed shortly.  
  
Sulu(to everyone else): Great. He's got his answering machine on again.  
  
Kirk: Okay, okay, order! I said, "order!" [Dead pan face for a sec, then] WILL YOU PEOPLE JUST SHUT UP BEFORE I RE-INTRODUCE THE TRIBBLES!  
  
Everyone Else: *Silence*  
  
Kirk: Ehem. Okay. We have a problem. As you can see, Mr. Spock appears to have lost his ears.  
  
Chekov(muttering): Poet and didn't know it.  
  
Kirk: What?  
  
Chekov: Nothink.  
  
Kirk(disbelieving): Riiiiiiiight. Anyway. We have a problem regarding Spock's ears.  
  
Scotty: Ye've already said tha'.  
  
Kirk: Riiiiiiight. Anyway. We have a slight dilemma with-  
  
McCoy: Oh, for the love of God, I'll take over.  
  
Spock(to himself more than others): I still fail to see what a deity has to do with out predicament.  
  
McCoy(ignoring him): There is an American latex shortage, resulting in the fact that Mr. Spock will no longer have any ears.  
  
Blondie(from the Emailing Series): He does have ears.  
  
McCoy: Yes, but they're not Vulcan ears.  
  
Blondie: Beggars can't be choosers.  
  
Chekov: Zere's a Latex plant in Moscow. Vhy can't you use them?  
  
McCoy: Because. . .of slight. . .um. . .implications involving the general way things are run and the technical hitches of the fact we don't like you.  
  
Chekov: Vell that explains a lot.  
  
McCoy: Doesn't it just? Anyway, what're we gonna do? He's one of THE main characters! One of the famous three!  
  
Sulu: Why're you so concerned? You'd love to have a dig at Spock.  
  
McCoy: Yes. But I want my face to stay this way for the next six decades or so.  
  
Sulu: Oh. Okay.  
  
[Pause]  
  
McCoy: Doesn't anyone else have a brain? We can't use plastic, paper, wood, or latex, so what can we use?  
  
Chekov(helpfully): Hay? Straw? Metal? Grass? Mud? Cloth? KA?  
  
McCoy: KA?  
  
Chekov: Komputer Animation.  
  
McCoy: It's the sixties, you moron.  
  
Chekov: Beef, Ham, cardboard, laminate, Lamb-  
  
McCoy: This isn't Jamie Oliver's problem, it's ours. Leave the cooking stuff out of it.  
  
Uhura: Why don't we just do what we always do when he has to hide the fact his ears are different?  
  
Spock: Which is?  
  
Uhura: A bandana.  
  
Sulu(perkily): I have one.  
  
Uhura: Er. . .no.  
  
Sulu: Why the heck not?  
  
Uhura: Because of the girls on it.  
  
Kirk(snapping out of his insane sub-consciousness): I'll buy it off you!  
  
Sulu: No.  
  
Kirk(going back into his insane sub-consciousness): I well, I tried.  
  
[Suddenly there is a beeping sound from the other side of the room: The Comm. Uhura answers it.]  
  
Uhura: Swindon-Town takeaway parlour. You order, we will deliver!  
  
Nameless-Admiral-That-Will-Never-Be-Seen-Again(over the Comm): Very funny. I just thought I'd ring to tell you that the Author is sending you a Reset Button. Just hit it and that debate will be over.  
  
Uhura: Uh. . .What's a reset button?  
  
Chekov: It vas a Russian-  
  
[Sulu claps his hand over Chekov's mouth.]  
  
NATWNBSA(over the Comm): It's like at the end of a really great story where you wake up and it was all a dream. It will reset the episode, since the Author has written herself into a corner.  
  
Kirk(perking up): HERself?  
  
Author(from backstage): May I remind you of the Tribbles?  
  
Uhura: So, you mean, we push it, and none of this ever happened, right?  
  
NATWNBSA: Are you stupid, woman?  
  
Uhura(smugly): Not since "The Changeling".  
  
[Suddenly a large red button beams itself onto the middle of the table. It has the word: RESET, SUCKERS written on the top.]  
  
Kirk: Okay. So long, episode.  
  
[He reaches over and pushes the button. Sparkly special effects. And then-]  
  
~~  
  
[Bridge: Enterprise. Kirk has just been handed a hand-held with an Email displayed on it. Suddenly, the Padd disappears.]  
  
Kirk: Where'd it go?  
  
Mirror-Chekov: vhere did vhat go?  
  
Kirk(does a double take at Mirror Chekov. Then looks around. He is still on the USS Enterprise. And the non-Mirror Chekov is standing behind him, along with the rest of the non-mirror crew, looking confused): Um. . .what happened?  
  
Mirror-Sulu(casually): Oh, we took over whilst you were gone.  
  
Kirk: Let me guess. To be continued.  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
Kirk: See, I was right, wasn't I? Huh? I was! 


	4. Mirror, Mirror, please, go away

All's Normal on the Enterprise Part Four  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Notes: See: end of Chapter  
  
~~  
  
Author's Note: I've just finished reading Peach Bubblegum on FictionPress.com, so I'm in a little bit of a weird mood. (Peach Bubblegum is copyrighted to Bouncy Bunny, FictionPress.com. Please don't tell her I mentioned it, or I'll tell Kirk who put that dent in the Enterprise . . .)  
  
~~  
  
Previously on All's Normal:  
  
[Kirk and co. are on the Bridge. . .with their Mirror Counterparts.]  
  
Kirk: Um. . .what happened?  
  
Mirror-Sulu(casually, lounging at Sulu's station): Oh, we took over whilst you were gone.  
  
Kirk(to camera): Let me guess. To be continued.  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
Kirk: See, I was right, wasn't I? Huh?  
  
[Is he ever NOT right? *Sigh* There's no justice in this world. . .]  
  
~~  
  
Kirk(to everyone): So. . .our Evil Mirror Counterparts are here and we don't have a plan because we've just come back from. . . uh. . .where DID we go?  
  
Uhura(blankly): Remember! Author! Remember! Reset Button! Remember! RE- FLIPPING-MEMBER!  
  
McCoy(aside to Spock): I didn't think this was Wrath Of Kahn. . .  
  
Kirk(looking slightly bemused. . .or amused. . .okay, looking like he normally does when someone who is not HIM makes a suggestion): Okay, whatever. So, to recap, we're stuck on our ship, with our controls still working. . .but it's not us whose working them.  
  
Mirror-Kirk: Do you ALWAYS state the obvious?  
  
Kirk: Yeah. . .it's my job. . .I think. . .  
  
Uhura(rolling eyes): No, duh. Okay. What're we going to do.  
  
Mirror-Kirk: Heil me!  
  
Kirk: NEVER!  
  
Mirror-Kirk(whimpering): Please don't hurt me.  
  
Mirror-Chekov(to Kirk, reproving): NOW can you see vhy I tried to kill you? I mean, him? I mean -  
  
Mirror-Sulu: Hey, I tried to kill him too!  
  
Mirror-Chekov: Did not!  
  
Mirror-Sulu: Did to!  
  
Uhura(to Mirror-Uhura): So, your boys are jerks too, huh?  
  
Mirror-Uhura: Yup. I'm not evil, by the way. Well, I guess I'm sorta evil, sorta not evil. Y'know. Genocidal. Suicidal. Things like that.  
  
Uhura(Slowly backing away): Riiiiight.  
  
Mirror-Spock(to McCoy): Do such arguments take place with your two officers as well?  
  
[In the background, Chekov is munching on a chocolate bar (Cadburys, English/American). Sulu asks for a piece. Chekov refuses. They start a fistfight.]  
  
McCoy: Drop dead.  
  
Mirror-Spock: That is highly illogical.  
  
McCoy: I thought as much. (To Kirk) So, um, Jim? What're we going to do?  
  
[It's no use. Kirk and Mirror-Kirk are having a standoff as to who can 'accidentally' influence a culture (See: A Private Little War, season Two). They also start a fistfight.]  
  
Scotty(muttering): What is this, Trouble With Tribbles?  
  
Spock: Illogical. This is the Author's season. Trouble With Tribbles was Season Two.  
  
Mirror-Chekov(pausing in the fight): Vhat're Tribbles? (Resumes fight)  
  
Kirk(pausing in his fight): Tribbles? Where? AAAAAAH! (Runs off Bridge.)  
  
McCoy: That's it, leave us in charge with Pointy-Eared-Logical-Being- Turned-Pacifist-Who-Helps-Start-Wars-Anyway-Vulcan!  
  
[. . .Pause. . .]  
  
Spock: Am I in charge?  
  
[?]  
  
Mirror-Spock: Or am I?  
  
Mirror-Kirk: I'm in charge, dummy!  
  
Uhura: Not for much longer! (Knocks him out with a nail varnish bottle.)  
  
Mirror-Sulu(pausing in fight, impressed): Nice move.  
  
Uhura: Thank you but no thank you.  
  
[Mirror-Sulu looks confused, shakes his head, then hits Mirror-Chekov again.]  
  
McCoy: Now whose in charge?  
  
Kahn(from View screen): I AM!!! HAHAAHAHAAHAHAAAA . . .wow. I have two Monkees.  
  
Chekov: ?  
  
Mirror-Chekov: ?  
  
Everyone Else: ?  
  
Kahn: Stop it! I am in charge of your vessel! I. . .wait a sec. . .  
  
[Kahn appears in the middle of the bridge.]  
  
Kahn: . . . I am NOW in charge of your vessel. Mwahaha. I'm evil.  
  
Mirror-Kirk(pouting, whining): Not as Evil as Me!  
  
Kahn: Am so.  
  
Mirror-Kirk: Are not.  
  
Kahn: Am-  
  
Uhura: AHA! I have an idea!  
  
[Kirk comes back onto the Bridge, still running on the spot.]  
  
Kirk(still screaming between words): WHAT IS - *SHRIEK* - YOUR IDEA - *SCREAM* - UHURA?  
  
Uhura: Kahn will have a counterpart same as us. He will be on our side. He will be doubly as strong. End of Problem.  
  
Chekov: But how vill ve know that he von't be doubly as veak?  
  
Spock: We can use technobabbly things to check we get the right Universe.  
  
Everyone: ?  
  
Spock: Trust me.  
  
Everyone: *Grumble*  
  
Kahn: And you think that I'm just going to stand by and LET this happen?  
  
Kirk: YES.  
  
Kahn: Fine then. (To Spock) Need any help?  
  
~~  
  
A few hours later . . .  
  
[Transporter Room]  
  
Spock: . . .and now I attach this watsamajiger to this fluxuatormajiger then I scratch my forehead then I ask Nurse Chapel to fetch me a wet cloth -  
  
Nurse Chapel(who is just suddenly. . .THERE): WITH PLEASURE!  
  
Spock: - then I do this and this. . .and then it should work!  
  
McCoy: Vulcans can't use exclamation marks.  
  
Spock: I don't apologise.  
  
McCoy: Good! Hey, wait -  
  
Mirror-Sulu: Will you just shut up already so that he can do this thing and he (jabs finger at Kahn, who is, by Spock's request, singing Opera in the corner) can shut up and we can take control again?  
  
Kirk: Yeah. I could do with a vacation. Hurry up, Spock.  
  
Spock: Yes Captain.  
  
[Spock continues to do Technobabbly things for a further few minutes (Kahn reaches the climax of his song and one of the panels on the Transporter Padd blows up), then announces he's ready. Everyone holds their breath.]  
  
[Magically sparkly things appear on one of the Pads that isn't broken. A Kahn appears. He is wearing a Te-Shirt that says "Save the Computer Graphics" in swirly writing, sunglasses on his forehead, baggy shorts, and has long greasy hair. He is a dweeb.]  
  
Chekov(doubtfully): Are you sure you didn't mess up?  
  
Spock: Are you calling me a liar? Vulcans cannot lie or make mistakes. Don't judge a book by it's -  
  
[Spock is interrupted as Evil Kahn dies from laughing.]  
  
Spock: - you see, it worked. Now the Mirrors are back in charge.  
  
Mirrors: YAY!  
  
Kirk: Er, no. Not yay. Hmm. The episode time is running out. I mean, really running out. It's running down. Being worn down. By Uhura. By someone. I need a scapegoat. Er. . .never mind. . .  
  
Author(appearing on screen): Did someone say they needed a quick-fix? I'll give you one! Ehem: "And Jim Kirk woke up, and it was all a dream."  
  
Kirk: No. That's a stupid quick fix. Let's leave I till next time!  
  
Author: Oooh, Cliff-hanger. MWAHAHA!  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
Reviewer Notes: Next time, I promise! Ff.net keeps experiencing an overload, and I can't remember what you GREAT guys out there put! Damn everything.  
  
~~ 


	5. A Short Chapter

All's Normal On The Enterprise Part Five  
  
~~  
  
Broken Infinity: The killer what? Pecs? Did you mean pets? Then no. He has a chameleon, named Bob.  
  
I-Am-Bug: It's not that great...  
  
~~  
  
A/N: This is going to sound really stupid, because I've been writing for quite a while now, but how do you get bold and italics to upload on ff.net? I've tried HTML and just uploading normal word documents; anyone else have this problem?  
  
~~  
  
Kirk: We're screwed.  
  
Spock: Really screwed.  
  
McCoy: Really, really screwed.  
  
Sulu: Really, really, really screwed.  
  
Uhura: Really, really, really, really, really screwed.  
  
Chekov: Ve're in trouble.  
  
Kirk: Hey! How dare you not continue the pattern!  
  
Chekov: Ve newer have continuity in any of the other episodes.  
  
Kirk: Point.  
  
Sulu: So, how're we going to escape?  
  
Kirk: Another point.  
  
McCoy: Another item on our 'to do' list.  
  
Kirk: Is that all you have to offer?  
  
McCoy: Well, I could tell you that Apollo's health condition...  
  
Chekov: I've heard of re-using lines, but this is ridiculous. And it doesn't make sense.  
  
Kirk: None of this makes sense. Not you! Or you! (Pointing to the Ceiling) Or especially YOU!  
  
McCoy: Dammit Jim, that's the ceiling!  
  
Spock: I believe he was talking to his Guardian Angel.  
  
[Everyone looks up. Kirk's Guardian Angel looks extremely haggard. And orange haired. And-]  
  
Kirk: ARGH! STELLA! STELLA ISN'T MY GUARDIAN ANGEL!!!!!!!!!! THIS SUCKS!  
  
Stella/Guardian Angel: Meh.  
  
Spock: Haven't you got more to say than that?  
  
Stella/Guardian Angel: You're right. Ehem. JAMES T. KIRK WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW YOU GREAT OAF YOU'VE BEEN EATING AGAIN HAVEN'T YOU LOOK AT THAT GIRDLE WHY IF YOU WERE MARRIED TO ME...  
  
Kirk(clasping hands over ears): STOP! MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOP!  
  
Spock: Alright. Ehem. STAND BY TO PHOTOGRAPH!  
  
Stella/Guardian Angel: ?  
  
Spock: I am only permitted to shout the lines I shout in the series.  
  
Kirk: Since when?  
  
Spock: Since...3.097864894590584763 seconds ago.  
  
Everyone: Oh.  
  
Sulu: So...um...Stella...person...are...YouGoingToHelpUsOrKillUs?  
  
Stella/Guardian Angel: ?  
  
Chekov: Are you goink to help us or kill us?  
  
Stella/Guardian Angel: I can't kill that which I protect. Therefore I am going to give you a key.  
  
Chekov: A key to vhat?  
  
Stella/Guardian Angel(sarcastically): To a toilet.  
  
Chekov: Vhy?  
  
Kirk: Okay, you've taken waaaaaay too much dialogue. Go stand in the corner.  
  
Chekov: But-  
  
Kirk: No buts!  
  
Chekov: But-  
  
Kirk: SO WE HAVE A KEY TO THE EXIT OF THIS CELL.  
  
Chekov: No, it's to a-  
  
Kirk(hitting him over the head with a baseball bat): A. key. To. The. Exit.  
  
Sulu: We have a key and a baseball bat. Funniness.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: Okay, that was a little chapter because I haven't updated in a while. Soz for the shortness but GCSE homework sucks.  
  
~~ 


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